NH3 @ The Harbour View, Sunderland – 26 Nov 2019

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5. And God saw that the wickedness of the Hash was great in Newcastle, and that every imagination of the thoughts of their hearts was only booze continually. 6. And the LORD said, I will wash away this Hash, and everything else as well; for it repenteth me greatly that I did give them beer. 7. But the GM did hear the LORD in His grumbling, and thus he beseeched Him; yea, o LORD, though Ye waxeth wroth with the Hash, they’re not so bad really; verily, they do usually r*n a bit, before they give themselves unto drink; sometimes they even have food.

8. These are the generations of the GM: Bella did make the decisions but left Totem Pole to sort it all out; and another named Slippery was not to be found, lest it be in the Garden with that apple again; and the years of Totem Pole were six hundred and odd.

9. And the LORD gave ear to the GM’s plea, and did say unto him: Totem, I give ye one last chance. Ye must take your Hash for a good healthy r*n, and this is the measure of it: it shall be twenty thousand cubits long, and there shall be shiggy, and it shall not involve any goddamn drink. 10. The GM did ask: LORD, how long is a cubit? And the LORD did tell him, it’s from My elbow to the tip of this finger; and the LORD did show the GM His middle finger. 11. And the GM was sore disgruntled, and made to absent himself from the presence of the LORD. 12. But the LORD said unto him: there WILL be shiggy, for I shall send upon the Earth a great flood, and it shall proper piss it down for forty days and forty nights, and mebbes even a bit longer, depends how I feel at the time.

13. The GM did ask, LORD, how then shall I lay the trail? Will not the flour all wash away? 14. And the LORD did remind him of the cubit, by showing the GM His middle finger.

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1. And so it came to pass that rain fell upon the Earth for forty days and forty nights. And Totem did labour mightily to gather unto him the children of Hashrael and to make for them a trail which might be pleasing in the eyes of the LORD. 2. Eleven of them he did gather unto him, and warned them of what the LORD did intend. 3. Great was the gnashing of teeth when he mentioned the twenty thousand cubits; tears did flow when he mentioned the no drink bit. 4. Moved by their plight, the GM made covenant with them: we shall go to Sunderland, he told them, for it is the last place God made, and He won’t look for us there; and we’ll have a nice short r*n and some beers after, and we’ll have a bit of scran as well to soak it up; and the LORD’s got other stuff on anyway, so He probably won’t notice. 5. And the Hash did rejoice at his plan, for they saw it was good. But the GM had not warned them of the inundation promised by God.

6. Totem’s mind was troubled by thought of the great flood, and he caused photographic clues to be sent to the Hash, so that they might follow his trail even though it be washed away. 7. And the clues were wack, and so did the Hash ignore them completely; yea, some even brought not their torches. 8. And so it came to pass that they foregathered at the Harbour View in the godforsaken city of Sunderland; and even Five Kwai did arrive on time, mostly thanks to Cinderella’s driving, though Chafing laboured mightily to delay them. 9. Woofers and Counterfit there were, and Trees Are and Gripper, and Frogsporn and Pimp; and Lubri and Mindphuck did walk. 10. And lo, the rain did fall, and kept on falling.

Sunderland Hash 1.jpeg

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1. The GM spake unto his Hash: on out, and seek ye the flour, for it is but newly laid. 2. And so they began to seek them the flour, but within the first five minutes they were sore lost. 3. Unto them the GM rendered no assistance, for he stayed at the back, and let them wander about the back streets, yea, like unto the sheep in the field, who have no clue whither they are bound. 4. Around the marina they did r*n, paying no heed to the FRBs, and lo, they came upon a check at the edge of the beach. 5. And Chafing Bollocks did say, one of them clue pics was of the beach; come, let us r*n down that way, surely that’s a good idea. 6. And the tide did come in, and that Chafing is no Moses, and he did lead Pimp and Cinders right through the sea, whilst the sensible r*nners followed the actual trail on the prom.

Sunderland hash 2.jpeg

7. On up the prom they went, two by two, until the GM shouted them back, for he had laid his trail into Roker Park. 8. And so they did lose themselves repeatedly in the Park, for they had no idea what they were doing, and were indeed like unto headless chickens, or a herd of cats with a vet after them. 9. A boating lake they passed, where Trees Are did ask, is it usually a lake, or just tonight; and the Hash did agree that it was a fair question. 10. In the end the GM did direct them out of the park, where flour they had seen them none, and led them back onto the prom; and they did find themselves in Granny Annie’s, where beer is served. 11. Counterfit and Woofers pronounced then that they would head straight back, because it was upon them to drive, and anyway fuck this rain. 12. And so the rest of the Hash did drink, but lo, the beer was like unto vinegar, and their complaints arose to the heavens; such that the GM did shush them, for if the LORD heard what he was up to, Christ knows what he would do. 13. And Chafing did dustbin the vinegary beer, for he is a sick puppy.

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1. The children of Hashrael clamoured for their liberation. Lead us back to the first pub, they pleaded; make short the way, for it’s proper pissing it down, and it waxeth cold. 2. And the GM did take pity upon them, and told them to r*n by the straightest way. 3. And lo, the distance was not great; it certainly wasn’t twenty thousand cubits, not by a hell of a stretch. Five minutes they r*n to the On Inn, maybe ten at the outside. 4. And great was their joy upon sighting the pub; except those who had not brought dry clothes, who gave a great wailing and gnashing of teeth.

5. Pimp was their RA, and lo, he called the circle within the very pub itself; let us circle inside, he said to them, for it yet pisses from the heavens. 6. But singing there shall be none, yea, nor too much noise, for the place is packed with the football crowd, and anyway it’s Sunderland. 7. And in the circle there were but few charges: one for idiots r*nning into the sea; one for not enough flour; everyone for missing FRBs. 8. Then did the GM open his basket and give food unto them, and lo, they did knock it back like greedy bastards.

9. On the way back the LORD did remember his covenant with the GM, and spake unto him: did you take your Hash on a decent r*n, Totem? 10. And Totem did cover his face, and then thought better of it, and said unto the LORD: course I did, you were watching over us, right? 11. And the LORD did mumble a bit, then agreed that yes, of course He was, and it was a good twenty thousand cubits. 12. And lo, the rain did cease, and dry weather was upon the face of the Earth.

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