SHIGGY HASH MARINADE WITH SLIPPERY SAUCE
Just in time for Autumn we’re going to whip up a Shiggy Hash with Slippery Sauce, a delicious treat for those drizzly days. We’ll be cooking this one up in Prudhoe, using the Adam & Eve as a container. Here’s what you’ll need:
1 Slippery, mostly sober1 Cockatool
Half a dozen Hashers (Counterfit and Innconts, maybe a Frogsporn and a Chafing, Bedtime Story and Nickerless if you can find them)Rain (drizzle will do)1 riverNettles and brambles to taste1-2 pubs (depending on Hashers)As much mud as you can lay hands on
First, hurl your Cock.
The river is ideal for this purpose and gives you a chance to soak the beer sweats off your Cock before you begin.
Shiggy trails may include unusual challenges. You can motivate your Hashers by offering a prize for whoever completes the most stupid tricks en route; the prize should be a token item of lesser value than any Hasher’s self-respect (if you can’t find anything that cheap a box of chocs and a buff will do).
Next, stick your Cock in a tunnel.
It should come out looking like this:
If it doesn’t you may have put the nettles too close to the end – reorient, and drag him out by the feet if necessary.
Remember that your Shiggy Hash should stick close to the riverbank as much as possible to maximise the wetness of the terrain. Position your checks near faint footpaths for best confusion, and be careful not to add too much flour to the trail. Once you can taste the frustration of your Hashers you’ve probably got the balance right. Loud swearing is a useful indicator.
Multiple river crossings can be used to keep things interesting. Hashers should be encouraged to attempt unusual, daft and frankly dangerous crossings where possible, e.g.
Trunk slides will be attempted by a Chafing if you have one, he’s used to losing the skin off his bollocks. Mad pointless climbs are another good inclusion, and if you can trick your Hashers into thinking a bonus steep descent is in fact part of the route you’ll get the whole lot of them down it.
By now your Cock should look something like this:
If he’s picked up a ball it’s a sign that he’s enjoying himself and is thoroughly marinaded. By the time you get him to a proper murky river and challenge him to swim it he’ll be in there like a rat in the bairn’s cot, though he’ll probably be the only one.
Your Innconts should be chugging away nicely throughout. Be aware that your Cock may get up behind him at some point:
A decent clearance should be maintained to prevent Cockatool planting muddy handprints on the rest of your Hashers’ man-tits.
Depending on how much rain you’ve obtained you may find parts of your route un-Hashable. This is fine, and should be treated as an opportunity to divert into open and waterlogged fields. If you can find a freshly-ploughed field that’s basically a rice paddy without the hats, send your Hashers through that – mud is best when it sounds like Frogsporn’s fetish (knee-deep).
By this point the Hash should be thoroughly marinaded and about ready for a beer. Add strong liquor if no beer is available – don’t let your Hash get too dry or they’ll break up. Bedtime Story is a particular risk here as his knowledge of local terrain may allow him to identify the White Swan as the beer stop and bugger off with Chafing before you can stop them.
You’ll know your Shiggy Hash is done when your Hashers r*n eagerly into ankle-deep puddles just to get their trainers clean. If you’ve allowed enough rain you’ll find the circle brief. Beer can be poured over Slippery’s head for extra flavour. Watch for Frogsporn farting while the GM’s talking (be sure to down-down as appropriate).
Deposit your Hash into the Adam & Eve and let them order good beer and excellent Sunday roast. Handwashing is optional.