NH3 @ The White Swan, Greenside – 8 May 2019

“All right chums ….. are we all ready for a real rum adventure?”

“Err ….. not really InnContinence ….. it’s pissing down, and no f*cker has turned-up. Have we really got to go out in THAT deluge?”

And so it was that a perfect quorum of hashers set off down the Lead Road in Greenside. A Grand Mistress, a Religious Adviser, a Hare, a r*nner and a w*lker.

After laying the trail InnContinence had been seeking solace in lashings of ginger beer and was decidedly squiffy by the time young Rob arrived at The White Swan looking slightly nonplussed. “Is this, err …. The Hash House Harriers? There were loads of lovely lasses last time”! “I know bonny lad … but it was a balmy evening, a two mile r*n ….. followed by a beer festival. This isn’t! You’re in the wrong story I’m afraid. That was: Five get pissed with Babe Magnet”

But Oh Wizard, we were saved by the bell, Uncle Counterfit, Aunty Watsarong and The Reverend Omm arrived just in the nick of time, to save the day. “Golly that was lucky, let’s get out and have a nice cold shower, I bet you’re all feeling jolly sticky having been stuck in those beastly traffic jams in toon”.

And so the Famous Five headed off into the countryside through Ryton Woodside. “Well chaps, at least the rain seems to have deterred the vulgar locals from venturing out and kept those pikey farmers in their barns indulging in acts of bestiality best kept to themselves”.

“I don’t mean to worry you chaps” puffed the Reverend Omm, “but Aunty Watsarong is right behind us …. She’s not only a w*lker …. BUT she’s also a GIRL!!!!” “Crikey!!” countered err ….. Counterfit “That’s a real bad show chaps ….. we really need to get a wiggle-on, and we haven’t even encountered any escaped convicts, spies, traitors or any of those dreadful Labour Voters”

The Famous Five became four as Aunty Watsarong took the w*lkers route back to Greenside, leaving the young chaps to battle the freezing rain.

On On through Crawcrook without so much as a hair raising adventure or any queer happenings. Although Uncle Omm seemed to be developing a rather unhealthy interest in the local scatology: “Gosh, chaps we seem to have encountered every type of mammalian faecal matter on this trail InnContinence. I think those naughty animals need to be potty trained, what?” (On an InnContinence trail? Who would have thunked it!).

Up Coalway Lane the soggy four trudged. The regular hashers were ever so apologetic to newbie Rob: “Sorry about this Rob, I’m sure that you’d rather be at home building model aeroplanes or down the church hall doing country dancing. But, buck up old chap it’s not far back to the On Inn. Last one back is a squashed tomato”.

And so the adventure came to a moist and tired climax  ……. (oops, that’s a waaay different type of adventure) ….. and the Famous Five formed a soggy pentangle (circle-ish). Speedy down-downs were dispensed and On Inn for more Ginger Beer and Potted Meat sandwiches.

Next Week: The Jingling Gate: Catch 22 (The Misleds arrive late and have to find the pack)

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